What is coaching? And do I need a coach?
This actually came up over dinner this weekend. A family member said they loved my website but, admitted they had no idea what I did. Homework for me to read through and potentially update the website but, also insight for you as I share!
If you’ve Googled it, asked a coach, or just mulled it over inside your head don’t worry you’re not alone. Honestly, some of the confusion starts with the name. The words “coach” and “coaching” have been repurposed across so many areas it’s become a mental tangle.
Yes, the word “Coach” comes from the Hungarian word kochi or carriage. My job has zero crossover with a horse-drawn carriage.
Also, no sportsball connection.
There was and is also “Managerial coaching” which gets closer but, still misses the mark.
The International Coaching Federation ICF defines coaching as: "partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential."
Still confused? Let’s look at how coaching actually works and take a peek behind the curtain at the science behind it.
What does a coach do?
All to often we see something show up in our lives and assume that’s the problem. When in fact we’ve jumped too soon and only see the surface. So it’s really the symptom that gets “solved” while the real problem continues to fester.
As a coach I take a step back and follow my client’s lead. My questions are based on what they share and on what is underneath those topics. These small changes in perspective can look like very similar questions or digging into an area. Not because I missed it the first time but, because focusing on a different aspect of the same topic or area can unlock new insights. I follow what they say but, also what’s left out and notice what’s behind the words. Bring their attention to when their tone shifted or a word that has carried through several sessions and may have value deeper than the surface level.
The science behind the conversation
For fear of putting you to sleep in the first few lines I’m going to stay high up and surface level on the brain science. (But for those that share my geeky obsession with the human mind I may do a post in the future to scratch that itch.)
The $0.25 tour of your brain-
Your brain was built to keep you alive.
Not just breathing when you’re asleep but reacting to danger and fleeing from threats so you don’t get eaten. Unfortunately “danger” is no longer just a rabid bear, it’s an email notification, a project deadline, a fitness goal that slips, and that quick flight or flight response takes over.
If you focus on the negative, all your brain will have to focus on is that.
This one cuts two ways:
If you focus on not doing or stopping something, you overlook the “don’t” and just see that thing. Want to quit eating sweets? Now all you can see is delicious, tempting sugar, everywhere.
Focusing on what didn’t work or what you don’t want doesn’t give you anything to work towards, just a list of what to avoid.
Your thoughts are really complex, think onions or Russian stacking dolls.
There are layers and layers before you get to what’s really at the middle. Coaches are trained to help you move through those layers and look at what’s underneath. And there is no one practice or tool that works for everyone so we learn a variety of ways to help you work deeper.
Each brain is as unique as the person that’s carrying it around.
What works for you may not work on a friend, what your sibling or spouse finds helpful may be meaningless to your way of thinking.
Types of Coaching
As though the word coaching hasn’t created enough confusion already we also have coaching niches, specialties, and areas of focus.
Examples that focus around career and buisness include execute coach, leadership coach, business coach, career coach, or confidence coach.
Others have a focus that captures multiple areas life coach, whole person coach, relationship coach, neurodiversity and ADHA coach, or spiritual coach.
And others focus on one area Transition coach, Health and wellness coach, financial coach.
And specialized trainings like trauma informed coaching or somatic training can be a applied across any of these area.
What type of coach do I need?
Some coaches advertise a specialty in one type of coaching (career or leadership coaches) or focus on one group (ie executives). For me I don’t promote one niche area or focus. Here’s why:
I’ve had multiple clients come in seeking career coaching for things were showing up at work:
Interpersonal problems with coworkers.
Feeling stagnant or misaligned with their career.
Boss has a vision for their future but, they don’t agree.
But, as we worked together the real root was elsewhere.
The impact was at work, what needed to change was:
Conflicts at home that caused them to be more reactive at work.
Separating out what they could control from what they couldn’t. You can’t change what you don’t control, it will only take up time and create frustration.
Creating priorities and identifying areas they felt they needed to change, then shifting where they focused their energy.
Because the problems were showing up at work they come in asking for career coaching. But, after we’d met and they began looking at the issues and developing plans going forward, the changes they made were outside of work. These changes had an impact on their career choice and future plans but, the inital changes started elsewhere.
Is coaching different from Mentors and Consultants?
Having an expert opinion, a resource, or an ally can be very beneficial. I’ve had amazing mentors in the past, their support and guidance was priceless. I’ve also been a mentor and enjoyed seeing how my mentees grew and evolved.
When the goal is to learn something new, reach out into a previously unexplored area, or break into something you have no background in a mentor or consultant can be a valuable ally. Having their experience, connections, and insight can ofter help shape the endeavor, share resources, and make introductions that wouldn’t have been possible without them.
But I’ve also seen people get stuck and lose confidence to make decisions without their mentor. When someone has advocated for you in the past it’s natural to start relying on that support. And often people begin seeing their mentor as an expert in their life and the decisions they should make. Some decisions need to be yours alone, no matter how well meaning a mentor is or how good the advice and support has been, only you are the expert on your life.
Coaching focuses on your experiences, strengths, and values. The client is empowered, owns the process, and the outcome is better aligned with the client because they had an active role in designing it.